Past.

Yesterday was a strange day for me in many ways. I was on the 82 bus, equipped with a bag of purchases from the city centre, two Belle De Jour books from Central library in my backpack and the rosiest cheeks I've had all year. It was freezing. I remember most of the morning passing by in a bored blur. I like to wander on my own, around Sheffield, sometimes shopping but sometimes with no purpose. Yesterday was one of those days.

As I got on the bus, I was suddenly reminded of the voice of someone from my past. It was so vivid and before I realised, their entire persona appeared in my head. Every memory flooded back, their laugh, the way they used to walk, even the bad times. And it made me miss them. They were the last person who appeared from nowhere and changed my entire world. And then it all fell apart. Now, we barely speak and when we do there is still tension. We're both different people, opposite from the people we used to be. I knew deep down in myself that even though I was healed, a part of me that wanted to reminisce still wondered about them. I shrugged it off and carried on with my day.

Yet, hours later, I still fell odd. I wanted to speak to them and ask so many questions. They still appear on my news feed, things still happen I want to tell them about, they are still living the life I gave up when I moved away. But I didn't speak to them. Instead I asked someone who I knew would be honest. He is a friend of a friend and despite the fact we haven't spoken for a while, I knew he'd be brutal. I asked him one question : why the fuck do I still care when I've accepted what happened. Why, when I know I've let go of the feelings I had, does my gut feel empty when I notice his presence? And this is his response.

"The pain is what proves what was there was real. As far as I'm concerned, the key is to realise, and accept that... just cos it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real, or right, or what you needed at the time. You might not be right for each other forever, but that doesn't mean you weren't right at that time and space. "

So much was answered then. Everything I thought or presumed was confirmed and I was reminded that I am human. Sure, now it may all seem silly. People may label me as being someone who refuses to let him be happy, even if I am. Something I am far from doing. The fact of the matter is, that no matter how you move on from a relationship, friendship crumble or even family feud, you are still human. The fact you care, a year or a decade down the line, shows that you are not an emotionless shell. And if you have those days when you wonder what all went wrong, they probably do too. The key is to keep smiling, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and surround yourself with those people who love you. You can have a happy life with someone else, but you were never the first. And neither were they. And it doesn't matter. Soul mates aren't a single individual. Instead, they are someone who touches and blesses your life, changing you for the better. It might not stay idyllic forever but if it does, that's when it's the best. The person you have now should be your new start. No comparisons.

So, to the person I missed yesterday, I hope you know this :

I'm proud that at some point in my life, we were right for each other. And that thought will stay with me. If we're civil, best friends or never speak, negativity and anger won't be associated with you. Simply memories.