Stage.

This morning, I woke up and thought about where I was a year ago, before university, Sheffield and half the people I now know as close friends. It was very different indeed. But one thing stood out that I haven't forgotten. It continues to appear in conversations to this day and I can never understand why. But it has continues to be my motivation since it first appeared. As it is well known, I'm an actor. I study acting at university and it is a great passion of mine, yet throughout areas of my life, some people have claimed that "studying acting is pretentious." or  "Actors aren't trustworthy, you specialise in faking and lying." Others say "Anyone can read Shakespeare on a stage and be applauded, it's not special." And finally, my favourite "it's not a real academic degree."

Let's address these issues. Firstly, studying acting is pretentious. On first glance, you can see how this would appear.One two hour class of mine was even spent learning how to breathe correctly through our diaphragms, knowing what to drink to protect your voice and even how you should try to never blink when in front of a camera. In some lectures, we do discuss versatile topics. What we class as Performance. Stanislavski and his never ending theories on how to act.  Pretentious, maybe. But doesn't this apply to every other subject?

In Science, Darwin and his evolution theory. Maths, Pythagoras and his triangles. English Language and Shakespeare reasons for inventing such complex monologues. History and Hitler's outlandish views. Sport and how performance can be enhanced through specific movements. Somehow it all ties in. You over analyse subjects and specifics because that's how you learn. If you only know something exists without knowing why it does so, then you go through life never knowing. Yes, I do want to question why Pinter may have put the word "and" in a line of one of his plays, but that's the beauty of learning. You are developing your own ideas and broadening your mind. To me, the freedom of speech entitles you to your own opinion. It stops you becoming a robot. But to say it's not academic is not the case whatsoever. I do what every other student does, I learn. I write essays, I struggle like the rest of us. I go to lectures. I attend seminars. I don't stand in a room all day with a script and pretend to be someone else. That's an advantage of my degree. Most of my days are spent reading and studying. I pay the same as anyone else. And I refuse to be told that my degree is one of "mickey mouse" proportions.

Everyone has a talent. Mine is become a chameleon and change my persona to entertain others. I think the world of drama is very powerful. It can change lives and aid in the expression of views without starting conflicts. It's intellectual and extremely gratifying. But it can also be a struggle. "Anyone can read Shakespeare on a stage and be applauded, it's not special." Let me prove you wrong. Those films you see with heart rendering scenes are perfect examples. The cute cancer riddled child dies, the average joe loses his life struggle, the lover lets go of her necklace into the ocean. Watching it is one thing. But acting it is another. Antonin Artaud famously said that "the actor is an athlete of the heart." And he is right. You have to be in tact with your emotions. Find love for someone you may have never met. Hate a stranger but show it without any movement. Your face must be read by the audience. If it isn't, then the story will not make sense. You don't just run around chasing cars or kissing fit actors. You could spend 18 hours of your day playing one scene over and over again. Putting yourself through heartache, turning it on and off. And it's hard. I envy those stars who can do it so easily. Portray any character. Stare into a camera with such ease as to make your heart thud. It's a gift. And I'm proud to be learning how to do it right. Because if it wasn't for films, tv, stage, radio.. people would not be entertained and subjects would not be explored. Expressionism would not exist.

And as for this...  "Actors aren't trustworthy, you specialise in faking and lying." You couldn't be more wrong. As an actor, you wear a mask and become someone else. But you can't wear that mask forever or you lose who you really are. I can't lie to save my life. It's way too obvious and no matter how hard I try, those who know me best see right through it. But that doesn't mean that I can't act. Psychologically, the ability to lie will wear thin and the character you portray in real life will mould into yourself. Look at Heath Ledger, who is the tragic example of when acting goes too far. It's also about control. You may be playing Hamlet, but you must never become Hamlet. You have to open your mind and embody another person, with characteristics unlike yourself. But it is then your job to banish that person from yourself and bring back you as a person. For many people, being at your most vulnerable in public is one of their worst fears. But I want to make a living out of it. It is one of the most cut throat and yet rewarding industries around and those lucky enough to be noticed have their dreams fulfilled. It is not stable. It is heartbreaking. And it is hard. But I have been lucky in my experiences. I've performed on a stage I could only have imagined being stood on, with one of the world's best playwrights directing me. I've learnt to control my body in specific ways and emphasis language to display different emotions. I can manipulate my face, my voice, my eyes. And it's more than I could have imagined. Shakespeare wrote in 'As You Like It' that "All the world's a stage." And it is. You can be anything you wish to be. Facing your fears is what makes you a stronger person. Every watches you, even if you are the loneliest person around, someone will notice. Salute the haters who criticise you and next time, come back fighting. Because as a nation, we do have freedom to express our views, but we also have the freedom to challenge others and prove them wrong. And I think I'm doing just that.




“Art, especially the stage, is an area where it is impossible to walk without stumbling. There are in store for you many unsuccessful days and whole unsuccessful seasons: there will be great misunderstandings and deep disappointments… you must be prepared for all this, expect it and nevertheless, stubbornly, fanatically follow your own way.”  - Chekhov.

J'Adore.

After a good handful of happy and positive notes on this blog, I feel it is time for words which simply need to be off my chest before I blurt them out to an innocent naive teenage passer by in Sheffield city centre. Consider this a warning. This blog entry will be a rant, not a short one either. It involves the one word I focus my attention around for an unknown reason, along with the rest of the female population. The one word which has the ability to confuse and uplift a person at the same time: 

LOVE

This word is so powerful. It can make you feel alive, like your soul has a purpose, living together with another being in your own 'bubble.' (Please refer to this entitled blog entry written in a loved up daze for more information on this term.) I've been in love, to the point where tragedy and negativity in my life was almost dulled by the hue that was my love for another person. You can smile walking down the street, listening to artists who wrote songs of this particular feeling and empathise. Yes, I would catch a grenade for him. Any day of my naive life. And this word, it blurts out of our mouths. So simply and easily. I love you. Just like that, you've illuminated someone else's life. You've elevated them up on a podium. To you, they are a rarity. You can hold hands strolling together in a field of flowers and not care what other people will think of you and your displays of affection. 

However, despite all this fancy whoha, when it goes wrong, it has the opposite effect. You feel degraded, worthless and in pain to the point where you think you could not possibly sink lower. Suddenly, your bubble has burst and your life is over. Nothing matters, your great life plans full of hope and imagination becomes crushed and all you see is a blur. You hide it away, but it comes back up. Like vomit. The person who once was your centre of life gravity becomes someone who can bring you to tears, a shaking mess when they enter your eye line. My question to civilisation is this: WHY?! Why are people fascinated? Why is this word thrown around so we can punish ourselves with the simple ideas of love and all the thrills that come with it. Devotion. Loyalty. Romance. Boo hoo. Blah blah. It is used to the point of no meaning. Hey. Yeah I'll be home later. I love you. Bye. Like a Tamagotchi. Feed the beast so it doesn't die. And how do I know this, I hear you cry? Because I've been that beast and I have no idea why. You lose all self control when you're in love. Nothing matters. Friends walk out of your life and you do nothing to stop them because you've got your baby to make you feel whole.

I say we all sit back, grow the fuck up and treat this word with the caution it needs. When you want to say it,  wait a month THEN think about saying it. If it feels like blurting out of your mouth to make your relationship work, force it the fuck back down. When you truly care about someone, your feelings will follow but they can't be forced. And don't get me wrong. This word means a lot to me, when it is said with meaning. I would rather be with someone for a year before they say it to me than with someone who says it after a month, because it would be genuine. You can say you love someone, but if you don't and you say it anyway, the damage and hope that person will gain is simply not worth the risk. I'm 20 years old and I've done both. I've broken someone's heart and been the villain but I've also had mine broken, you could call it karma. My love experience is on an even score now. So time to hit reset and deal with things the way my mature self would. As I type this, my beads on my wrist read the letters LOVE to me. Instead of looking and thinking back, I think it shall be my reminder. To love yourself before you love someone else. And when you become blessed with the experiences of love, cherish them. Because, and many will agree, love is worth the fall. It's worth those moments crying yourself to sleep at night clutching the tshirt which smells of your beloved. Your love bubble is bigger and brighter than that pain. So use that as a motif. Never let your bubble burst.

Love is a beautiful thing.
 Love lifts us up where we belong.
All you need is love.

Princess Emi.

My life has changed very dramatically in the last year. I've moved to another city, mapped out my future, finished my first year at university, gained a job in a 90's bar, had my stage debut and even had some heartbreak moments. But all these events have allowed me to see who truly are my friends. And this girl is one of them. Emily Weetman or Princess Emi as I like to call her was someone I instantly liked the moment I met her. She's so intelligent and kind, but she will love and support you through anything and to me, that is so precious. Even though I must have only seen her a handful of times in a year (darn you distance!) she is simply a text away. I tell her everything, even the tiny things that I find myself upset over and she will always cheer me up. We share the same interests, even our unadmittable ambitions to become princesses and marry wonderful attractive ginger princes. Although that may be more due to Emily's crush on Ed Sheeran. She is, and always will be, so very dear to me. I mean, who else is willing to bake with me in a house in the middle of a cemetery?!

My tiny self, my wonderful school friend Chelsea and the beautiful Emi.

This may have involved alcohol.

Learning our place in the kitchen. We owned those cupcakes.