Self Letter from the End of the World.

21^st December 2012

Dear Leah,

The world was supposed to end today, about two hours ago. Like others, you shrugged it off. Of course it was utter bullshit, but a tiny part of you wanted the excitement. And so,you sat, watching the news with Joe and Nat, your housemates, and waited. You  text your boyfriend declaring how much you love him. And when the clock turned to 11.11 you did nothing. And just like everything else, it was false. You’re still here. Well done. Unfortunately, so are those crappy people in the world. Like Ian Watkins. He’s been done for child sex offences this week. Remember that?

Right now, you’re exactly half way through your degree at Sheffield Hallam. You’ve just finished your first semester of your second term and you’re feeling confident. Actor Training was the best module for you, Nee Sa Nee Sa and all that jazz. Comedy was a rip roaring achievement. You were so bad at the start but you more than turned it around and gained people’s respect. And devised.. well.. I’m sure you more than remember the negatives, but you’re still proud. This time next year will be your dissertation and then your final show. This time in two years you’ll have worn the gown, stood next to your friends and graduated with pride. I hope you enjoy that moment immensely.

Your degree is something you are very proud of, but you still don’t quite know what kind of life you’re going to lead. Well right now, you want to be a teacher. You love acting and the thrills it holds, but you know you’re not strong enough to deal with the harsh realities of the industry, instead you want to show others how much fun it can be. Teach the youth of tomorrow. And maybe add on the growing generation with a family of your own. Right now, you’re at the very beginning of that and you’re very excited indeed. Keep at it and fight for your place, because you deserve to be there.

Then there’s Liam. Your love experiences being at university have been very few, after falling from an extreme height after the break up with Lee. Reading back on that letter you found has made your mind at ease and helped you realise you are better than you think. Pick yourself up and smile. You’re very lucky. You have someone, who is kind and caring. He knows you deep down. All your flaws. And yet he still loves you. With him, life is never boring and your future seems endless. And he is prepared to stand by and wait for you to know your direction before forcing you into one. You never have to lie to him. Not even about giving the cheese board away. I'm sure he will laugh. Last night, you had the most heart warming and wonderful house Christmas with him and all of 121 Pomona. It reassured you life can be fun. Don't let him go, because right now, you are the happiest you've been since the beginnings of Vince. And we both know that was very hard to beat.

Your friends. Those in Sheffield. Charmaine, Abi, Joe, Nat. Your house mates. What saints they are. Enjoy living with them because in two years, youll be waving bye and not knowing when youre going to see them again. Char is your rock, your second in command. Be nice to her, she is gentle and loving. And she will always be there. And don’t forget your friends at home, Laura, Chelsea, Kim. Your three amigos. You are not alone if you have them. You know that though, but don’t take advantage.

Finally, your family. How caring they are. Your nana who rings you every week. How lovely she is. Take care of her, forever is not an option. Your parents, who have never been happier. Driver of the Year Dad and degree taking Nurse Mum. Youre very proud. Let them know. Paul, who just may be walking before youre 21. An insane achievement. And Danielle. She may be naughty, but she tries hard and means well. Be a proper sister to her.

Keep smiling, and love yourself.

I hope youre happy.

YouTube.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about two things surrounding my recent YouTube blogs.
As some of you may know or not know, depending on how much you like to deal with my twitter account, I have started doing a YouTube blog involving clothes hauls.

The reasons for this are vast. They've been my guilty pleasure for a while, as when I'm bored I like nothing more than to watch them in bed. I also think that they actually do have meaning. Whilst most weeks I have barely any money, it's nice to indulge yourself in seeing things others have bought and appreciating it. I also think it's a great word of mouth for the businesses involved. For example, in a handful of my videos, I mentions websites or shops which are hidden gems to me as far as clothing goes, and what girl doesn't want to show off their new finds. I also think it's a fantastic way to use the advantages of YouTube in a positive way. People from America, Ireland, Scotland, England and even Australia are sharing fashion tips. To me, that is what the internet should be about. Not used in the way it is now, with cyber bullying and explicit videos of stuff people really would rather not see on their social networking news feed.

I also think it's actually helped me gain some confidence. If I can sit in front of a webcam and chat for ten minutes about my new dresses, then I can pretty much anything on a stage. So to those who feel mine or anyone else's videos are useless and time wasting, you're wrong. And perhaps maybe instead of criticising, you should turn around and make your own videos. Add your fingerprint onto YouTube instead of demeaning others. And if you still don't want to, then don't watch. It's that simple really.

But less of this negativity, if you do want to see me chat about clothes, here's a link to my channel.

There is also several trailers for student films I have been a part of in my favourites. Jus' sayin'.

http://www.youtube.com/user/tinydotteapot

A New Year..

Many people have been commenting on social networking sites how they thought 2012 was for them. "Here's hoping 2013 is better." "Ive loved this year." "I hate everything." etc. etc. I could have easily written something like this, instead I decided in my usual fashion, to make a list of those moments I've particularly loved and the memories I hold alongside them. So, here goes...

1. The Fringe

Yes, January marked a change in me. My fringe, cut by my lovely friend Laura. It is now somewhat famous amongst friends, mostly because I cut it myself and it becomes extremely wonky depending on what part of the month you meet me on. And although my hair has changed over the past year, from various bandanas to the most epic of beehives, I finally feel like I'm coming out of my shell and not caring how I look to others.

2. My Truck Adventure

February was a nice month. I'd finished my first semester and gone back home for almost a month to chill with the family and friends I'd missed so much. Then my dad randomly called and asked if I'd accompany him to Scotland in his lorry. Er, YES. It was so much fun and I learnt more about my dad in those two days than in the month I spent at home. Plus, I saw Scotland for the first time. Even if I was only there a grand total of four hours. And had my very first McDonalds breakfast. It was beautiful before you wonder. Last month he won Company Driver of the Year  and my pride grew even more. Thought Id celebrate it with some lorry cufflinks, I'm the best daughter. I'm very grateful and honoured to call him Daddy.

3. Gigs

Skrillex, Slam Dunk (AGAIN, I know) We Are The Ocean, Benjamin Francis Leftwich, Tramlines. Highlights include BFL unplugging for his encore and bringing me to tears, FFAF at SD showing the newbies how it's done, Skrillex crushing my ribs against the barrier for 3 hours and getting a perfectly timed "Take your top off!" at the end of WATO's set. I met a few famous folk, including a chat with Alfie from WATO and Matt from FFAF. I got drunk at some, probably lost a tooth at a few (Skrillex, I blame you) and most definitely had fun at all of them. Even if Gavin from The Blackout sprayed wee on me from a gun.

4. First Year Done

A First and 5 2:1s. Need I say more? Very happy my hard work paid off.

5. Duck Stranglers

I could quack on for hours about this. Sorry I had to! But I shall simply only say this. It still remains the most proudest achievement in my acting career, meeting a playwright whose plays I've been performing since I was 14 and two of the most welcoming and talented actors in the industry. I feel very privileged to have been a part of it all. My script, although withered and tatty still stands proud on my desk. Who knows, next year it could be Fringe.

6. My 20th

The bright lights of London with my wonderful Nana, seeing Les Miserables and crying five times, eating the best sandwich of my life, falling in love with Covert Gardens and seeing my 20th birthday in with a shout out from the nightclub DJ, and a family meal to celebrate how awesome I am. 

7. Liam

After almost 21 years of being on this earth, I've never met someone as kind, generous, caring and loving. And handsome, especially because he's ginger. And a cockney. I could be soppy, but I won't embarrass him. I think we shall be the faces of Twitter one day, showing love can happen in the most silliest of places. For the record, I followed him. If he ever reads this, then I just want him to know how thankful I am for all he's done, and continues to do. I feel lucky every day, and love him with all my heart. Still got my fingers crossed he's gonna look like Ray Winstone when he's older, I'd quite like that. Mhmm.

8. The Olympics 

I'll be honest, the days leading up to the Olympics, I really couldn't care. For 8 years it had been forced down everyone's throats and I'd had enough. I'm not even sporty. But on opening ceremony night, just before I set off for another shift at the nightclub, I sat down and watched Danny Boyle's show. And cried about 5 times. Kenneth Branagh, Nurses, Dancers, Fire, Bond and of course, The Athletes. Watching them walk out, dressed in gold waving that flag to Bowie, god it hit me right there. I was instantly converted and patriotic henceforth for the rest of the games. Living in the same city as Jessica Ennis was unreal, the pride people had for those athletes and witnessing so many golds being won. It was incredible and it was Britain that did it. Top notch!

9. 121 Pomona Street

Faceplant Abi, who tactically faints to avoid leaf clear up. Joe, the handsome geek who'd make a great Batman, Nat, the Hobbit enthusiast who likes a good bang on the drum kit and Charmaine, the vegan who loves to spread the word of Jesus, "whose a mint guy basically." What can I say? I knew we'd have a bumpy ride but I feel amazing coming back home to find you guys there, smiling and laughing. You are four of the greatest friends I've had and I'm grateful to live with you. Here's to another year at My My My Pomona!

10. Job(s)

From a 90's crew member at Babylon nightclub to bar staff at The Botanical student pub. I'm still pulling pints for the folks of Sheffield and still being miserable on Saturdays. (Try serving a drunk Sheffield builder whilst he calls you sugar tits.) But it's not all doom and gloom, everyone I've worked with has been so crazy and wonderful in their own right. Plus, both jobs seemed to have been within five minutes walk from my house/halls. Im not lazy, I swear. And many more McDonalds breakfasts were consumed.  90s gang, I miss you. Botan clan, I know you love me secretly.

11. Performances

Playing With Sharks short film. Inamorata devised piece. Madame Bishboshka comedy routine. Richard Schechner lecture demonstration. I've been a busy bee and worked with a whole host of very talented people. All have been amazing achievements and I'm proud to have been in them all. Although I do think the cheesey dance number in Inamorata tops it off. Nothing quite like shaking your bum at half your year whilst pretending to be a prostitute and winking at your lecturers. Hey ho here she goes!

12. Christmas (Of Course!)

And finally, we're back to present day. I've had a crazy/wonderful/hectic/incredible year. Some moments haven't been so fun, but I'm not dwelling on them. Looking back at where I was at this point in 2011 definately proves to the pessimistic side of me that miracles can happen and I can be happy. And I will be. Watch this space : 2013. I turn 21, fly off on holiday, end another year at Hallam and begin thinking long and hard about my career. Oo eer. And so, I wish you all a Happy New Year. I hope  you have a good one!

PS. My resolution, in case you didn't guess, is to make lists. 

Essex.

This week was my reading week. A precious seven days that university give you in order to catch up on missed work, lecture notes, deadlines, tutorials and of course, reading. But, like 99% of students, I took the opportunity to take a break and run down to Essex to finally see my boyfriend's humble abode. (Before you judge me, because I'm such a nerd I'd already completely my essays and work before hand.) After a whirlwind romance lasting almost four months, I have yet to venture down and see his home town, despite him staying at both my houses. And so, I booked a ridiculously cheap mega train, packed an overfilled bag (which broke just as I stepped onto the tube, damn it) and a pack up full of treats. This is what I learnt.

On Monday, I learnt that Essex can be lovely. Epping Green especially. But of course, it comes at a price. Driving past a building project, I noticed a sign that said "One bed flat. £185,000." My eyes almost dropped out of my head. With that kind of money, a person could buy my five bedroom student house PLUS my three bedroom house back in Scarborough. Beauty is money down south.

On Tuesday, I learnt that my hair looks phenomenal when it is curled at the end. And that a certain London restaurant serve some wonderful Italian food. I learnt that Wicked is just as brilliant as it is hyped up to be. I also learnt that I'm incredibly lucky to have the boyfriend I do, for he surprised me with all these things, even after I refused to venture out due to a wardrobe crisis. You girls reading this will understand my dilemma in that area. No shoes to match my dress. Scandalous. Annnnnyway, I digress. It was one of those perfect days where you feel grateful for the people you have in your life and the happiness you feel.


On Wednesday I learnt that the food beefeater serve is very nice and that others share my impatience but can voice it far better than I ever could. I also learnt that the boyfriend's family are just like him, hilarious and incredibly loveable. I learnt that Primark cashiers in Harlow have very little common sense, for flirting with me and then asking if my boyfriend was my dad. Why flirt in front of a girl if you think her dad is stood next to her, and why do so with a girl who you've just suggested must be very young. I will never understand this. I learnt that almost every person in Harlow looked at me very strangely the moment I began speaking in an accent that wasn't matching to theirs. I also learnt that Truly, the energetic doggy really does like attention, for if you give her none she will lick your face until you do so.

Thursday was my most educational day. I learnt that King Du deserves the reputation it has. I was presented with the most humongous plate of noodles, Chinese leaves, pork, carrot, chicken and endless other things. It was delicious and one of the cheapest Chinese meals I've ever bought. I also learnt that after seven years, I can still play golf fairly well, even if I only used a 7 iron due to height issues and always curved to the left. I think I may have to pick up my old clubs and give it a good go again. I also learnt that approval of friends is vital to fitting in with group. This, I hope I achieved.

And Friday, the day I write this. Today I learnt that in St Pancras Costa you can buy giant custard creams for £1.35 and they are incredible. I learnt that trying to write on a train is very difficult. I learnt that Japanese old men like to take luggage off the racks and stack them up exactly the same every twenty minutes, simply to pass the time. I learnt that I am weak when it comes to carrying anything. I learnt that I can pretend to be from London with an oyster card. I learnt that I am no longer scared of the underground as long as I get it with someone else (yes, okay, that is cheating.) I also learnt that I met some wonderful people down south and although it has many different elements compared to my beloved Yorkshire, including an accent where everyone sounds like Ray Winstone, I loved my time down here.

Right, off to put the kettle on, to drink a Yorkshire tea. Unfortunately this one has a normal size custard cream included. Darn.

Ramblings.

And now, for something completely different. An update as it were. Instead of rambling though, I feel photos will do it justice. And so, here goes.

I finished my summer working at Babylon. Yes, I did gain back my sleeping pattern. I haven't stayed up later than 2am since my last shift. But I miss everyone immensely. I do still listen out for when anyone mentions the crazy drunken night they had there and brag that I was once, a crew 90's member. And occasionally I still run in and hug everyone. To all those I met, you are wonderful. To those who hired me, thank you for the best, if most tiring summer of work ever. And to everyone I ever served, grumpy or otherwise, I hope that I made your night enjoyable. I will always be a Crew 90's member, at least until the doormen force me out of the building. 

Coincidentally, as well as the summer ending, so my second year at Sheffield Hallam began. I got back my best friend, Charmaine, who abandoned me to go back home for the summer. I realised how much I love studying and that essays are actually a good thing, especially the satisfaction of printing it out and handing it in to floor 11. I learnt my housemates are beautiful people, inside and out. And I learnt that no matter how close I live, 3 KFC's in one week is just too much for my belly to handle.

I rekindled my acting light with Duck Stranglers Part II. I rejoined the master group, this time with photo evidence, to act out the play I worked so hard on in the summer. I reminisced with Rob, Bill, Kyle, Maddie, Kyle, Neil and of course, John Godber and felt the thrill of a crowd watching every word I say. I reminded myself that I want to do this forever.

I got a new job at The Botanical pub. Back to pulling pints the old fashioned Yorkshire way. I also was given the task of decorating for Halloween, which I did with great enthusiasm. I also covered myself in fake blood for the night, which was fun. This however stained my face and I had to appear at university the next day with a dribble on red coming from my mouth and two very pink cheeks. Not so fun.

I also took Char to see Benjamin Francis Leftwich for her early 21st. She loved it and I became converted. He's very down to earth, honest and charming and his live band were incredible. I felt so alive stood there watching him, even more so when he unplugged and whispered his song to a singing crowd. A beautiful moment and a wonderful guy.

I also learnt how to make a vegan cake. Introducing the Ooey Goeey extravanganza. With not a single trace of butter, eggs or chocolate, it was the nicest thing I've ever eaten and has inspired a hand written Vegan Book of Love, which is currently in production from myself and Charmaine. Yes, its true.

I also learnt how to be funny. This includes laughing at myself a lot, moaning about life and dressing up as a ten pound note in the student union.

I was reunited several times with Liam. He convinced me to try Nando's for the first time, ever. I am now an addict, card stamped and everything. No words needed to describe this moment. I'm very very happy.

And so I conclude, my life is random. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

Past.

Yesterday was a strange day for me in many ways. I was on the 82 bus, equipped with a bag of purchases from the city centre, two Belle De Jour books from Central library in my backpack and the rosiest cheeks I've had all year. It was freezing. I remember most of the morning passing by in a bored blur. I like to wander on my own, around Sheffield, sometimes shopping but sometimes with no purpose. Yesterday was one of those days.

As I got on the bus, I was suddenly reminded of the voice of someone from my past. It was so vivid and before I realised, their entire persona appeared in my head. Every memory flooded back, their laugh, the way they used to walk, even the bad times. And it made me miss them. They were the last person who appeared from nowhere and changed my entire world. And then it all fell apart. Now, we barely speak and when we do there is still tension. We're both different people, opposite from the people we used to be. I knew deep down in myself that even though I was healed, a part of me that wanted to reminisce still wondered about them. I shrugged it off and carried on with my day.

Yet, hours later, I still fell odd. I wanted to speak to them and ask so many questions. They still appear on my news feed, things still happen I want to tell them about, they are still living the life I gave up when I moved away. But I didn't speak to them. Instead I asked someone who I knew would be honest. He is a friend of a friend and despite the fact we haven't spoken for a while, I knew he'd be brutal. I asked him one question : why the fuck do I still care when I've accepted what happened. Why, when I know I've let go of the feelings I had, does my gut feel empty when I notice his presence? And this is his response.

"The pain is what proves what was there was real. As far as I'm concerned, the key is to realise, and accept that... just cos it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real, or right, or what you needed at the time. You might not be right for each other forever, but that doesn't mean you weren't right at that time and space. "

So much was answered then. Everything I thought or presumed was confirmed and I was reminded that I am human. Sure, now it may all seem silly. People may label me as being someone who refuses to let him be happy, even if I am. Something I am far from doing. The fact of the matter is, that no matter how you move on from a relationship, friendship crumble or even family feud, you are still human. The fact you care, a year or a decade down the line, shows that you are not an emotionless shell. And if you have those days when you wonder what all went wrong, they probably do too. The key is to keep smiling, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and surround yourself with those people who love you. You can have a happy life with someone else, but you were never the first. And neither were they. And it doesn't matter. Soul mates aren't a single individual. Instead, they are someone who touches and blesses your life, changing you for the better. It might not stay idyllic forever but if it does, that's when it's the best. The person you have now should be your new start. No comparisons.

So, to the person I missed yesterday, I hope you know this :

I'm proud that at some point in my life, we were right for each other. And that thought will stay with me. If we're civil, best friends or never speak, negativity and anger won't be associated with you. Simply memories.

Stage.

This morning, I woke up and thought about where I was a year ago, before university, Sheffield and half the people I now know as close friends. It was very different indeed. But one thing stood out that I haven't forgotten. It continues to appear in conversations to this day and I can never understand why. But it has continues to be my motivation since it first appeared. As it is well known, I'm an actor. I study acting at university and it is a great passion of mine, yet throughout areas of my life, some people have claimed that "studying acting is pretentious." or  "Actors aren't trustworthy, you specialise in faking and lying." Others say "Anyone can read Shakespeare on a stage and be applauded, it's not special." And finally, my favourite "it's not a real academic degree."

Let's address these issues. Firstly, studying acting is pretentious. On first glance, you can see how this would appear.One two hour class of mine was even spent learning how to breathe correctly through our diaphragms, knowing what to drink to protect your voice and even how you should try to never blink when in front of a camera. In some lectures, we do discuss versatile topics. What we class as Performance. Stanislavski and his never ending theories on how to act.  Pretentious, maybe. But doesn't this apply to every other subject?

In Science, Darwin and his evolution theory. Maths, Pythagoras and his triangles. English Language and Shakespeare reasons for inventing such complex monologues. History and Hitler's outlandish views. Sport and how performance can be enhanced through specific movements. Somehow it all ties in. You over analyse subjects and specifics because that's how you learn. If you only know something exists without knowing why it does so, then you go through life never knowing. Yes, I do want to question why Pinter may have put the word "and" in a line of one of his plays, but that's the beauty of learning. You are developing your own ideas and broadening your mind. To me, the freedom of speech entitles you to your own opinion. It stops you becoming a robot. But to say it's not academic is not the case whatsoever. I do what every other student does, I learn. I write essays, I struggle like the rest of us. I go to lectures. I attend seminars. I don't stand in a room all day with a script and pretend to be someone else. That's an advantage of my degree. Most of my days are spent reading and studying. I pay the same as anyone else. And I refuse to be told that my degree is one of "mickey mouse" proportions.

Everyone has a talent. Mine is become a chameleon and change my persona to entertain others. I think the world of drama is very powerful. It can change lives and aid in the expression of views without starting conflicts. It's intellectual and extremely gratifying. But it can also be a struggle. "Anyone can read Shakespeare on a stage and be applauded, it's not special." Let me prove you wrong. Those films you see with heart rendering scenes are perfect examples. The cute cancer riddled child dies, the average joe loses his life struggle, the lover lets go of her necklace into the ocean. Watching it is one thing. But acting it is another. Antonin Artaud famously said that "the actor is an athlete of the heart." And he is right. You have to be in tact with your emotions. Find love for someone you may have never met. Hate a stranger but show it without any movement. Your face must be read by the audience. If it isn't, then the story will not make sense. You don't just run around chasing cars or kissing fit actors. You could spend 18 hours of your day playing one scene over and over again. Putting yourself through heartache, turning it on and off. And it's hard. I envy those stars who can do it so easily. Portray any character. Stare into a camera with such ease as to make your heart thud. It's a gift. And I'm proud to be learning how to do it right. Because if it wasn't for films, tv, stage, radio.. people would not be entertained and subjects would not be explored. Expressionism would not exist.

And as for this...  "Actors aren't trustworthy, you specialise in faking and lying." You couldn't be more wrong. As an actor, you wear a mask and become someone else. But you can't wear that mask forever or you lose who you really are. I can't lie to save my life. It's way too obvious and no matter how hard I try, those who know me best see right through it. But that doesn't mean that I can't act. Psychologically, the ability to lie will wear thin and the character you portray in real life will mould into yourself. Look at Heath Ledger, who is the tragic example of when acting goes too far. It's also about control. You may be playing Hamlet, but you must never become Hamlet. You have to open your mind and embody another person, with characteristics unlike yourself. But it is then your job to banish that person from yourself and bring back you as a person. For many people, being at your most vulnerable in public is one of their worst fears. But I want to make a living out of it. It is one of the most cut throat and yet rewarding industries around and those lucky enough to be noticed have their dreams fulfilled. It is not stable. It is heartbreaking. And it is hard. But I have been lucky in my experiences. I've performed on a stage I could only have imagined being stood on, with one of the world's best playwrights directing me. I've learnt to control my body in specific ways and emphasis language to display different emotions. I can manipulate my face, my voice, my eyes. And it's more than I could have imagined. Shakespeare wrote in 'As You Like It' that "All the world's a stage." And it is. You can be anything you wish to be. Facing your fears is what makes you a stronger person. Every watches you, even if you are the loneliest person around, someone will notice. Salute the haters who criticise you and next time, come back fighting. Because as a nation, we do have freedom to express our views, but we also have the freedom to challenge others and prove them wrong. And I think I'm doing just that.




“Art, especially the stage, is an area where it is impossible to walk without stumbling. There are in store for you many unsuccessful days and whole unsuccessful seasons: there will be great misunderstandings and deep disappointments… you must be prepared for all this, expect it and nevertheless, stubbornly, fanatically follow your own way.”  - Chekhov.